August 25th. This will be the date of my next operation. My third.
I have waited 12 months to get this date. Then, out of the blue, I receive a letter from the hospital. With only 12 days notice. In a way, that's good. Less time to stress. But for me, I'll stress no matter what. I'll just cram a year of waiting into 12 days of worry. I'm now down to 7 days. This time next week...
Some people may think that knowing what will happen and how the day pans out etc, will be a benefit. A comfort perhaps. For me, it's the complete opposite. I know how emotional I will get. I know the feelings of panic, anxiousness and nervousness will build up. I know at certain points they'll peak and I'll break down. Just before I'm due to go down to theatre I'm guaranteed to start crying. The fear takes over and there's nothing I can do at that point but just trust the doctors and nurses. But that's normal I guess.
Third time around, it will not be any different. As silly as it may sound, I'm even more scared now than my 1st laparoscopy in 2011. I'm still frightened of the general anaesthetic. Will they give me too much and I won't wake up? What if they don't give me enough and I feel everything? As if either of those scenarios would ever happen! But my mind won't listen to fact and reason during this time.
What if they don't find anything this time? No endo? No adhesions? What then? Would I be going mad? Or maybe they find out it's got worse and spread. Neither are situations you'd want to be in. I feel like I can't win.
Then... the recovery. The part I'm dreading the most. Those without knowledge of endometriosis and surgery may think you have an operation and then you're instantly better. You couldn't blame them for thinking that. However, my recoveries are never easy. From experience I know my pain will get worse before it gets better. It will be a complete roller coaster. Some days thinking I'm better to the next day being brought back down to earth with healing pains.
I'll never get used to it. I'll never be able to prepare myself fully.
I just hope that it will be third time lucky. That it will give me a longer period of relief. Of being able to live normally for a good few years! Not to have it snatched away by endo again and end up back at square one just a year down the line.
I want my full life back. I want a career. I want to be 100% me, 100% of the time.
So, third time lucky! Keep your fingers and toes crossed, please.