Saturday, 13 September 2014

Endometriosis: What I Want

Preparing for a bad day with endometriosis and expecting the unexpected is becoming a chore.

I want to feel normal.

I want to go a whole day without taking any painkillers. I want to get through a day without my hot water bottle or electric heat pad. I want to be able to say yes to plans, months, weeks or even just days ahead. I want to be able to go out and not come home early because the pain has crept out of nowhere or it has become to hard to manage. I want to be able to stand for long periods of time without getting crippling back and leg pain. I want to have a normal stomach, not one that swells and makes me look 5 months pregnant. I want to know what it feels like to go a day without a stabbing pain that comes out of the blue and leaves you curled over, holding onto something to steady yourself. I want to have a period that doesn't leave me bed bound for a week. I want to carry out the simplest of tasks like getting out of bed or going in the shower, without feeling that it's a massive struggle. I want to be able to do things today and still be able to do things tomorrow! Not end up in too much pain because today I went for a walk or cleaned the house. I want to be free of consequences. I want to know that I will definitely be able to have children in the future. When asked how I am feeling, I want to respond that I'm fine and actually mean it. I want to accomplish so much in my life without endo stopping me or changing my path for me without my consent.

Some people may read all my 'wants' and think I'm being selfish or needy. But to someone who suffers from endometriosis or chronic pain they will see it as me asking for one thing only... a cure for endo. Every single thing I listed is what a 'normal healthy' person would take for granted. I'm not asking for the world...

I just want to feel normal.

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Endometriosis: Highs & Lows

How do you go from feeling like for the first time (in a long time) you're actually living your life and having a great day with friends, dancing, singing, drinking and generally having fun... to less than a week later, being curled up in bed crying with the pain, praying the stronger meds will kick in? At one moment you get hope, clarity and life, with a big sense of normality. The next you're faced with pain, upset and darkness, with no sense of it ever being normal again. Why does life with endometriosis have to go from one extreme to the other. The lows are definitely more prominent than the highs at the moment. Or maybe that could be because I give the rare high days so much attention, that as soon as they're snatched away, it makes me feel more lost than usual and back at square one. How do you mentally find a balance when there is no way of controlling what endo will do next?