"You only see what I choose to show.. There's so much behind this smile you just don't know.."
It made me think how greatly this relates to us girls with endo and also applicable to many, many other things in life. It's amazing what a smile can hide. Such a little thing, yet it covers up a whole backlog of emotions. It can hide pain, lots and lots of pain. When our bodies feel like they're screaming out and the whole world can hear. It can't. For us inside it's like a constant scream, cry or sometimes when lack of energy hits, just a wimper. But when people ask how I am, I've noticed my usual response is "Im ok thanks, getting there" or "Im fine". The word 'Fine' I once heard being described as 'Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional'. Yep, that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling. I want to tell people that some days I feel like I'm all over the place, some days I'm an emotional wreck, I'm fed up and I'm hurting. But most of the time I don't. I just say Im fine - with a smile. A smile also covers up your worries, your anxieties. On the outside your smile is painted on. On the inside you're stressed to the max, with a million and one questions, all running through your head at once. Worrying about the pain, the medications you need to take, your job because you've had so much time off sick, college work, relationships, the future.. The only person who can truly see through my painted smile is my mother, the amazing brilliant mother who I'd be lost without. There's no point in even trying to hide it from her because each time it'll result in "no you're not fine.." But what I've learned from that is sometimes it's ok not to be fine. Your not weak in admitting it. Your actually stronger than you think. Admitting that you need help or just someone to talk to. It works. On the other hand, the only person that can have me doubled up in laughter and always brings a smile to my face is my brilliant brother. One look from him with his big grin, one word and he'll have me smiling. Sometimes laughing so much I need to walk out of the room away from him, because i'll have tears of laughter rolling down my face, not sadness. Which is so badly needed on a down day. I'll be forever grateful.
One thing I have found on '@my_endo_diary' Twitter account is that it's amazing how honest you can be about how you're feeling, with no judgement from others, because at some point they have all felt the same. You can scream if you like, cry while typing messages, tears can fall onto your laptops, you tell the world how annoyed you're feeling. No smiles are neccesary. But when you laugh, you can laugh together, share experiences and get things off your chests. Which I have found does result in a smile in the end. Knowing that others understand exactly how you are feeling somehow makes you feel slightly less mad, and happy that you are not alone.
You see the power of a smile works both ways. It can cover your emotions but can also bring happiness to others. One smile to others can change their day. Even if it's a stranger. If a person is having a really bad day, a stranger passes them in the street and smiles. It's contagious, you automatically smile back. One smile can totally change a person's outlook on that day, even their week. Especially with the amount of down days I know myself and others with endometriosis can get.. A little bit of warmth can go a long way, the power of a smile can do wonders...x